


Dum Spiro Spero

by JaclynParker



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Guilt Issues, IMF Big Bang Challenge, Mentions of Nyah and Julia, Romance, Starting to Catch Feels and Not Knowing How to Handle Them, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 08:13:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20524799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaclynParker/pseuds/JaclynParker
Summary: "Her fingers slid from his arm and he knew, as instinctively as breathing, that if he let her walk of that bathroom without fixing this, after this mission he would never see her again."One stupid statement might cause Ethan to lose the one thing he is quickly realizing that he cannot live without. A man not used to baring his emotions, can he find the words to stop her from walking away from him?





	Dum Spiro Spero

A drawer slamming somewhere in the house echoed out into the open living room causing Ethan to flinch.

He met the crinkled smiling eyes of one of his best friends and shook his head slightly to discourage what he knew was coming.

“I take it she’s still a little ticked off at you?” Benji asked, trying desperately to hide the smirk he felt playing at his lips.

Ethan opened his mouth to reply when another slamming of…something…answered for him.

“Well, can you blame her? I’m mad at you and I ain’t even the one whose cover you almost blew!” Luther piped up, his head tilting to highlight the small glare he sent the younger man’s way.

“What…I…it was _not_ that bad!” Ethan protested.__

_ _A snort came from the third member of the video conference peanut gallery and Ethan pointed a finger at the large computer screen._ _

_ _“Shut…up, Brandt.”_ _

_ _“Dude, you got in a fight with a guy because he asked her to dance,” Brandt said, not even remotely trying to “shut up”._ _

_ _“No, _no_,” Ethan emphasized the second word and held up his finger again, “I got in a fight because the guy couldn’t take no for answer.”___ _

_ _ _ _ “Oh, come on, Ethan, we all know she could have taken that jackass down with her pinky finger if she felt threatened.” Brandt scoffed and rolled his eyes._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Ethan didn’t even bother to hide the frown or the reddening of his cheeks. He knew Brandt was right; hell, they were all right. He overreacted earlier that evening and had cost a man a broken arm, broken nose, and a fractured femur._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _For a full month they had been playing the long game of slowly integrating themselves into a small town in the middle of Umbria, Italy. Their cover was Ethan’s claim to be a college Agrostology professor there on teaching sabbatical to study a rare type of wheat that grew only on one side of a local mountain._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _This allowed Ilsa to play bored housewife of and wander the town, getting to know the people and most importantly, the Scarpini brothers._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The brothers ran a clothing mill which, according to Benji’s intel, was a money laundering operation for several of the largest eco-terrorists in the current European climate._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The Scarpini brothers also considered themselves the playboys of the Italian Riviera, taking it upon themselves to throw lavish parties at their oversized mansion on the local cliff that would rival the any celebrity A-lister._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _After “casually” running into Lorenzo Scarpini in his favorite café earlier that morning, Ilsa’s slightly pouty lips and several mentions of how utterly bored she was had quickly garnered an invitation to that evening’s festivities._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Although, to be fair, the tight black Balenciaga dress she had been wearing hadn’t hurt either._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _They had finally their big break to check out the mansion and it was all going smoothly…until Ethan turned into a caveman._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Instead of scouring the lower levels for what they knew to be the base of the brothers’ operation, they spent the last part of the evening doing damage control._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Or at least Ilsa did._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _When Michael Scarpini had hit the floor, Ilsa had immediately gone into the theatrical performance of a lifetime; cursing Ethan out and quickly latching onto Lorenzo. She had yelled at him to leave and begged Lorenzo to take her somewhere quieter before she “died of embarrassment”._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _For his part, Lorenzo had gladly put his arm around her waist and started to steer her out of the large ballroom._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Ethan didn’t get the opportunity to see where the older brother had been taken her as he had found himself lifted off the ground at both elbows by what could only be described as twin mountains posing as bodyguards. He was swiftly marched through the long main hallway, out the large hand-carved front door, and not so gently deposited outside by his already awaiting car. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Fuming, Ethan had driven back to the small, renovated, two-bedroom villa that they had rented and stewed the entire time getting changed into normal attire._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _A little over an hour later he had just settled into the seat at the computer terminal to debrief with the guys when the front door opened and Ilsa strolled in, barefoot and red bottomed black heels dangling from her fingertips._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She paused just after shutting the door and stared at him, her eyes narrowed._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I will be going back tomorrow night for Lorenzo’s birthday party,” Ilsa said, her tone withering as she moved towards the back bedrooms. “You have quite decidedly _not_ been invited.”___ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _And with that the monitors had started pinging to start the video conference and the banging in the other rooms had commenced. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“How do you think she managed to cover it up?” Benji’s voice broke into Ethan’s thoughts and returning to the present, he blinked at the large screen._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Ethan couldn’t even begin to fathom how she had explained why her mild mannered professor husband had suddenly gone all MMA on the younger of their hosts when prior to the man asking his “wife” to dance, Ethan had barely looked up from his drink all evening._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _And he really didn’t want to think about how she had spent an entire hour convincing Lorenzo to let her come to his birthday bash tomorrow._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Ethan felt his hands clench and unclench at his sides. He felt rammy and when he felt rammy he did stupid things. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Unfortunately, he also tended to say stupid things as well._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“Well clearly she did something Lorenzo liked to invite her back; we all know she survived Lane for three years! Hell, situations like this are probably one of the reasons they keep her on our team!” Ethan spat out._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The moment the words left his mouth he hated himself and went to go retract the statement._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The image of all three of his male teammates’ eyes widening, along with Benji going paler than normal, had Ethan freezing in his chair._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“She’s…right behind me, isn’t she?”_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Ethan turned his head just in time to see Ilsa’s form quickly disappear around the corner to the bedroom. He half stood out of the chair to follow her, but his body seemed to betray him and stayed where he rose. At the sound of movement, he looked up to see Ilsa pad into the kitchen, now clad only in a robe._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Opening the refrigerator, she took out a bottle of water and twisting the top off, took a long drink._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“I’m taking a shower.” Ilsa said, not bothering to even glance in his direction as she walked out of the kitchen and directly across the hallway._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The sound of the bathroom door closing and locking might as well have been like a prison door clanging shut, it echoed so loudly in his head._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Despite the oddity of it, they had never once locked a door in the villa since the start of their mission. Not due to safety reasons or needing access in an emergency, it all came down to the fact that the trust factor between them was so high it was never even a thought._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The locking of that door said more to Ethan than any words she could have uttered to him._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“Oh, Ethan,” Luther’s soft voice floated over him and Ethan sat down again in the chair, hard._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“Shit,” he sighed, feeling an ache bloom in the center of his chest that had nothing to do with any injuries sustained from the earlier fight._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _For her part, once inside the sanctuary of the bathroom, Ilsa peeled off the white robe and turned the hot water faucet on to just below scalding. Tugging the multitude of bobby pins from her fancy updo, she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Her cheeks were pink from the aftermath of the adrenaline high she was crashing from due to the events of earlier. Despite whatever Ethan thought, it had been quite the tightrope walk between playing upset at her husband’s actions but not upset enough to do anything with the increasingly handsy Lorenzo Scarpini._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _What Ethan thought…_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Her eyes met her reflection’s in the mirror, and it disconcerted her. The blue eyes that stared back seemed to her those of a stranger, dull and tired. Moments later the steam began to fog up the mirror and she frowned at the irrational stab of joy she felt when her own image disappeared._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _With a sigh, she climbed into the steaming shower, her tension wound muscles relaxing instantly as they were pelted by the steady stream of water. For a converted 500-year-old villa, the house had surprisingly good water pressure._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Yet, as much as she tried Ilsa couldn’t stop her hands from shaking as she lifted the shampoo bottle to her hair. When some stray suds from the conditioner that followed a few minutes later slid down her brow into her eyes, she readily blamed the burning sensation for the sudden prick of tears. But just as quickly she acknowledged that the emotions escaping her couldn’t be attributed to her carelessness in washing her hair._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _‘Was that really what he thought of her?’ She thought to herself, her shoulders shaking as she tried reign in her reaction._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _She had done things, things that tried to force their way out at night and caused her to wake in a cold sweat, gasping for breath, and arms raised to fight invisible demons of the past. There were faces she saw imposed over others casually walking down the street or sitting at café that make her feel as though she would stumble if she took another step._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _But she never did. She couldn’t afford to._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _On this path of life that she walked, stumbling meant death._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Ilsa leaned forward so that she was positioned in the front left corner of the shower, her forearms and forehead pressed against the cool tiles as the water ran down her back. Pulling back her right hand she slapped at the wet wall in front of her and when it resulted in an oddly satisfying sting to her palm, she did it again harder._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _A sudden chill swept over her body and she stiffened, realizing that the bathroom door had been opened and closed again. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Obviously, she wasn’t surprised that he knew how to pick the bathroom door lock, only that he had wanted to and had done so. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Silence reigned in the small tiled bathroom for several minutes before he spoke._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“I’m sorry,” Ethan’s voice drifted over the frosted glass walls of the shower. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _For a moment she thought how odd it was that she could hear him so clearly over the water and then realized, with a twinge deep in her lower abdomen, that her hearing had grown innately attuned to his voice._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Knowing that this confrontation was going to happen now whether she wanted it to or not, Ilsa slowly shut the water off. She rung as much water from her hair as she could before sliding open the glass door._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Stepping out onto the large bathmat, she was immediately confronted by an oversized fluffy maroon towel dangling two inches from her flat stomach._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Ethan was seated on the toilet, his face turned from her, and his feet slightly bouncing on the tile floor._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Her lips wanted to twitch upwards at his outward display of chivalry, knowing all too well he could see her reflection, albeit blurred by the steam, in the mirror to his right._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The thought lasted less than a microsecond as his earlier words pierced her brain. It wasn’t the first time he had seen her naked, but it was the first time she felt dirty in front of him._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _She grabbed the towel, making sure not to touch any part of him and stepped back, wrapping the towel tightly around her in one fluid motion._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Counting to five after the towel left his hand, Ethan turned to look at her._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“I’m sorry for what I said in there. I didn’t mean it. I swear, I didn’t. You are a part of this team, through and through.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _He tried to give her one of his patented dimple smiles and joked, “You know me, my mouth doesn’t always sync up with my brain.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“It’s fine, Ethan,” Ilsa said, moving forward, clearly not even wanting to be in the same room with him and willing to say anything to get out._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“No, it’s not,” Ethan said, putting a hand out as if to catch her elbow but stopping when she all but froze to a statue in front of him._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _He could see her muscles instantly flex and even her feet widened slightly into a natural defensive stance. Ethan doubted she even knew she had done it; it was so instinctual but damn if it didn’t hurt that it was directed towards him._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Ethan couldn’t blame her for putting her guard back up. He knew that as seamlessly as she appeared to fit in with their rag-tag band, in the back of her mind she had to always be expecting the worst._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _And why wouldn’t she?_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _It was clear from her past that no one had ever cared enough to give a damn about her; to go to bat for _her_. They had used her: physically, mentally, emotionally, and with one dumbass comment he had lumped himself into that group without meaning to.___ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Ilsa…” Ethan started to speak but he stopped, the words he wanted to say catching in his throat and burning there. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Something in his voice must have alerted her to his internal struggle because she looked up into his face for the first time since he stepped foot in the bathroom._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Neither said a word and she stared looked at him, her blue eyes piercing his and searching for something he couldn’t quite figure out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _But whatever she was looking for, he could tell the moment she didn’t find it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Her entire body wilted, and suddenly she just looked tired and even worse, resigned. Whatever she had been searching for in him, he had clearly been weighed, measured, and beyond a doubt, found wanting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _He was taken aback as her face conformed to something that he hoped he would never have to witness again aimed at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ilsa’s classic poker face was back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Anger rolled through him, not directed at her but inwardly at his own stupidity and self-perceived cowardice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Why couldn’t he just say what he needed to say, dammit!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Again, seemingly sensing his internal struggle, Ilsa let out a soft sigh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“It’s okay, Ethan, really.” She said, giving him a small sad smile and placing a hand on his forearm. “I’m going to get a quick power nap in before the boys show up to debrief and strategize.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _It was the first physical contact they had since the party but to Ethan, it felt colder and more distant than a stranger’s touch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Her fingers slid from his arm and he knew, as instinctively as breathing, that if he let her walk of that bathroom without fixing this, after this mission he would never see her again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _And he’d be damned if he let one of the only good things that ever happened to him in his life slip through his fingers without a fight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“I can’t…I don’t do well with letting people in.” Ethan said, his hands balling at his sides as if angry at himself for even admitting that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ilsa stopped short but didn’t turn back towards him. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Hell, I barely handle the concept of ‘playing well with others’.” Ethan said, running a frustrated hand through his hair and letting out a self-depreciating laugh. “You’ve been around long enough to be aware of that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ilsa finally turned to look at him, her arms crossed over the top of the towel but still said nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Drops of water slid down the ends of her hair and disappeared into the crevice between the swell of her breasts and Ethan momentarily found himself distracted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _An annoyed cough had his eyes shooting upwards to find her glaring at him, with one eyebrow raised, plainly unamused at where his mind had drifted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“There have been a lot of women in my life,” Ethan suddenly blurted out and Ilsa’s other eyebrow raised to join the first, clearly surprised at the outburst._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _He pressed on, realizing that he was just going to have to speak and pray she understood what he was trying to convey somewhere within the upcoming word vomit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“There have been a lot of women in my life,” he repeated, “but I only let two in. Really in.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ilsa’s expression didn’t change but her mind flashed back to a conversation she had with Luther a short while ago._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _In all the years that I’ve known Ethan, he’s only been serious about two women…___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _She had never told Ethan about it and she knew Luther had never mentioned it either, but he knew that something had been said between them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Ilsa, the women I care about tend to get hurt, or killed...or worse.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The echo of something extremely raw and genuinely distressed in his voice drew her attention fully to him. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“The first woman, I met in a whirlwind of lies, blood, and an apocalyptic virus. When we victoriously came out the other end, I was genuinely happy to be off the grid with her. But after a few months, I wanted…no, I needed to get back in the game.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“I took a mission and ended up in a coma for about 3 weeks. When I woke up, she couldn’t understand my eagerness to get better, not for her but for the IMF. It became apparent that I wouldn’t give up this life for her and I saw something change in her. I won’t be so arrogant as to say I shook her trust in people, but certainly her trust in me. We didn’t part on amiable terms…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ethan shuffled in place, shoving his hands through his hair, fingers clenching and unclenching almost as if he wanted to rip some out in frustration._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _As angry and hurt as she was with him, her entire being in that moment wanted nothing more than to comfort him. To let him know that he wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t already know._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _She wasn’t a top MI6 agent for nothing; she had done her homework on him long before they had ever met in real life. She even knew the fate of this woman whose name he had not mentioned._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Nyah Christianson, formally Nordoff-Hall, given up her unconventional profession and settled down in Westminster, London of all places. A lawyer husband, three children, and co-owner of a vegan restaurant later, she had somewhere along the way clearly regained trust in the human race despite Ethan’s latent guilt. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _But still, Ilsa wasn’t so dismissive of their experience to know that deep down, Nyah probably still carried an echo of the trauma that almost ended her young life before it really began._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _And clearly, Ethan carried some of it in his soul as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _But she also knew that if she had that information on Nyah’s life, so did Ethan._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _She suspected the guilt and frustration deep within the IMF agent lay more in the wisdom that came with age and being able to look back on one’s life to recognize situations that had been handled in a way unbecoming of the man he had grown to be._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ethan had trailed off but Ilsa knew he needed to finish this purge he had started and quietly prodded him on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“And Julia…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ethan’s eyes flashed and he shook his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“She was my escape; my chance a normal life.” Ethan told her, his voice taking on a slightly frantic edge. “I thought I was ready, I really did. I thought I could do it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _He sighed heavily and his voice rang with something more mature than guilt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“And in the end, once again this life that I chose…that _I_ chose…only brought her fear and pain and sorrow. And I made the choice again.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ethan looked up at her and frowned, “But this time, I made the choice for the right reason. I loved Julia, I still do and probably a part of me always will,”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _As he said these words, Ethan saw no recrimination in Ilsa’s features. She knew this and would never judge him for it, even as he tried to tell her what he felt now about her in the same breath. “And now, I truly know that she is happy, and I can let her go.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“But you…,” Ethan said and reached out to take Ilsa’s hand, startling her by the sudden touch. “If I let you in and something happened, I don’t think I could let that go. Let you go.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The truth was that Ethan couldn’t ask for a better team in Luther, Benji, and Brandt, but they weren’t true players in this ever-changing chess game they called life in the IMF._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _They weren’t there in the dead of night when the faces of the ones he lost along the years … the ones he had failed…swirled around him like a hurricane until he emptied his stomach in a toilet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _They didn’t feel the internal nausea knowing the target he was being forced to whispers sweet nothings to had only hours before sanctioned the murder of an entire rival family including two children and the pet golden retriever._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _They didn’t curse their aging body, no matter how well kept and trained, when it reacted a tenth of a second too late and caught the edge a blade that just a few years ago wouldn’t have even grazed clothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _But she did; she had the same experiences, same regrets, same fears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _And it scared the hell out of him; the fact that he didn’t have to hide with Ilsa, he didn’t have to be anything but himself. Ethan couldn’t remember the last time that was the case, he didn’t even know what that looked like anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _But he also knew that with Ilsa, he would never be hurried to figure it out and damned if it didn’t give him a sense of something else, he hadn’t had in a very long time. It had only been amplified this last month of being in close quarters with her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _A true sense of coming home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Now he had to figure out a way to convey all these thoughts to her without sticking his foot further in his mouth than he had a short while ago._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“I meant what I said. You are a part of this team. And it is for a million reasons, none of them having to do with how damn good you look in a dress. You belong with us,” Ethan said._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _He saw the mask slip enough to know that he was making progress._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Ethan…” She opened her mouth and he responded by placing a finger on her lips, instantly shutting her up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“You belong with me.” Ethan said firmly, the conviction in his voice causing her freeze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ilsa stepped closer and searched his face again, as intensely as she had earlier. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _And in that moment Ethan knew how to tell her what he felt; not with words but by letting his guard down, truly down, and letting her see him as unadorned to his soul as he could. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _This time, what she saw there must have been enough because she moved forward quietly and brushed her lips over his. Gently at first but then his arms wrapped around her and the kiss became firmer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _As real first kisses went, it wasn’t shy and it sure as hell wasn’t innocent, but it wasn’t a lightning flash or choir of angels signing in the background either. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _It did however carry the promise of something neither of them dared to give a name for fear of the power it held…what they had seen firsthand…in agents such as themselves._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _And they weren’t ready for the word, not really._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _It was enough that she felt it and he felt it and they both acknowledged the fledgling seed of endless possibility._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _He tipped his forehead down to rest on hers and then kissed her again, no hesitation and in a move so natural it was almost reflex._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _They explored each other’s mouth, slowly and alternating between small kisses and ones that threatened to take both their breath’s away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ethan bent his head and caught another drop of water before it had the chance to follow its brethren down into the promised land that had him so distracted earlier._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ilsa shifted and let out a soft moan and suddenly Ethan was acutely aware that she still only wore a towel._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Ethan,” She whispered out warningly, her voice breathy and with a slight hitch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Hmmm?” Ethan hummed in a questioning but preoccupied tone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _He was too busy wondering what would happen if he tugged ever so slightly on the top edge of the towel._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Ethan, I think the guys will be here soon,” Ilsa said, desperately trying to ignore the way his right index finger was tracing the edge of the towel along her back as if searching for a way in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Brandt’s driving, there is no way they will get here on time,” Ethan dismissed her statement quickly and refocused on the task at hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _If he hooked a finger in the left corner…yeah…one sharp tug at the right spot and the whole towel would just fall to the ground and it wouldn’t really be his fault if it “accidentally” got caught on his watch or something, right?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _A sudden pounding on the door startled them both. Ethan pulled a hand back and they both looked down at his watch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _They were 15 minutes early which meant only one thing…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Luther drove,” they both said in unison._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Goddammit,” Ethan said, and she chuckled, the vibration of her laugh running through him where their bodies pressed together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Another pounding on the door caused Ethan to growl low under his breath but it only caused Ilsa to let out a genuine short laugh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Come on, before Luther breaks the door down” Ilsa said, stepping away but keeping tight to one of his hands. “After your jackass statement earlier, they probably think I killed you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Easing through the bathroom door, she made a move to head back to the bedroom, but Ethan held fast to Ilsa’s hand, causing her to stop short. She turned to face him, a quizzical look on her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Please…don’t ever lock the door on me again,” Ethan said, the meaning in his words piercing through her immediately._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ilsa nodded, giving his hand a soft squeeze before tugging it free and continuing on her path to the bedroom._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Another bang on the door had him rolling his eyes and he went to let their impatient teammates in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Peering out the peep hole in the door and ensuring it was the team, Ethan glanced back over his shoulder towards the bedroom as he reached for the handle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _He stopped short and he couldn’t help the grin that lit up his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The door had been left wide open._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
